The Tyranny of the SHOULD

In the 1950s, German psychoanalyst and feminist trailblazer Karen Horney wrote about something she called “the tyranny of the should.” It’s such a simple phrase, but it captures a truth that most of us live with every day — that quiet, constant pressure to be something other than what we are.

These “shoulds” creep into our inner voice in subtle ways. I should be more productive. I should be happier. I should be enjoying this more. Each one seems small, but together they form a kind of invisible cage — one built from our own expectations, and the expectations of the world around us.

Horney explained that this constant striving to meet our idealized self — the polished, perfect version we imagine we’re meant to be — often leads us further away from our real self, the one that’s messy, emotional, intuitive, and deeply human. It’s here that anxiety and shame often take root, in that gap between who we are and who we think we should be.

Learning to Notice the “Shoulds”

One of the most powerful things we can do is simply become aware of how often “should” shows up in our thoughts and language. These small words — should, must, have to, need to — can sound like moral commands, as though there’s one right way to live, and we’re failing if we don’t meet it.

It can be surprisingly freeing to swap them out for gentler phrases. Instead of “I should call my friend,” try “It would be nice to call my friend.” Instead of “I need to work out today,” try “I’d like to move my body today.”

That small shift changes the energy completely. It moves us from demand to preference, from guilt to possibility. Over time, it helps us cultivate what I like to think of as rational living — a way of thinking that’s flexible instead of rigid, compassionate instead of commanding.

Honesty and Choice

When we start to see the “shoulds” clearly, we can begin to ask ourselves a few honest questions:
What am I doing out of obligation? Which of these things truly matter to me? What am I ready to let go of?

The goal isn’t to drop every responsibility, but to make conscious choices. If we choose to keep something, we do it knowing why. That awareness transforms even routine tasks — they stop being burdens and become acts of intention.

It can help to check in with this regularly. Take stock of your “shoulds,” notice which ones are running your days, and decide what you want to keep or release. When we do this often enough, we start to see life a little more clearly — the road opens up, and we might even find ourselves walking down a gentler street.

Radical Acceptance

A concept that’s really stayed with me recently comes from The Almanack of Naval Ravikant. He writes, “You always have three choices: you can change it, you can accept it, or you can leave it. … The phrase I probably use the most to myself in my head is just one word: ‘accept.’”

So much of our suffering comes from resisting reality — wishing things were different, but not changing them; wanting to walk away, but staying; or refusing to accept what is. Acceptance doesn’t mean we approve of everything that happens. It just means we stop fighting the moment long enough to breathe.

That simple word — accept — can become a quiet mantra. A small pause that invites peace.

Motherhood and the Weight of “Should”

I’ve noticed this theme come alive most vividly in my own experience of motherhood. Especially in the early days, I’d often hear (and sometimes say): I should be enjoying every moment with my baby. I should be more patient. I should be cooking better meals.

These little “shoulds” are everywhere in motherhood — whispered in conversations, woven through social media, living in the corners of our own minds. They can steal the joy right out of the experience, replacing connection with comparison.

But what if, instead of striving to be the perfect parent, we embraced the idea of the good enough parent — the one who shows up, loves deeply, and forgives themselves often? The one who understands that imperfection doesn’t make us less; it makes us human.

Coming Home to Ourselves

Karen Horney believed that every one of us carries within us the potential for self-realization — the process of aligning with who we truly are. It’s not a destination, but a lifelong journey. And it begins the moment we start letting go of who we think we should be.

When we drop the tyranny of the should, we open space for curiosity, compassion, and genuine change. We stop performing our lives and start inhabiting them.

Viktor Frankl once said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

That choice — to respond rather than react, to accept rather than resist, to be rather than become — is where freedom begins.

So maybe this week, notice one “should” that’s been weighing on you. Ask if it’s really yours. If it’s not, thank it and let it go.

Because life doesn’t happen in the shoulds.
It happens right here, in the quiet space of enough.